Hurting
by BabyKozy
Summary: After Olivia lost Calvin, she can't help but feel worthless and depressed. Will Elliot and the rest of the squad be able to notice before she destroys herself? M for self-injury, talk of/attempted suicide.
1. Prologue

**Hey guys. So this is my first SVU fic. I have not written any fanfiction for a long time and the last time I wrote I was writing for Sailor Moon. Haha. I am a total Liv/Lex shipper but I also jump the Liv/El ship once in a while. **

**This fic is Liv/El so yay for ship jumping!**

**Prologue**

It had only been one month but it was the longest month of Olivia's life. One month ago she had Calvin ripped from her arms by his _real _mother, and thinking about him just made her sad. Made her want to curl up in a ball and die. And one month ago, that seed was planted and Olivia began a trip down a road that she never deserved to travel.

Elliot looked up from his desk to see his partner with her head on her arms, her eyes closed. Her brow was furrowed and he could hear soft whimpers escaping her lips. He looked around and sighed, standing up from his chair and walked around to her. He knelt down next to her and placed his hand on her back. "Liv. Wake up Liv." He rubbed circled on her back with his hand and watched her eyes slowly open.

Olivia's eyes opened slowly and she looked down at Elliot, who had been looking up at her with worry all over his face. "I'm sorry, did I fall asleep on you again?"

"Yes, but I'm more worried about what you were dreaming about." He stood up and moved his hand to her shoulder, squeezing it gently to show her that he was there for her.

She sat up and looked up at him. "It was nothing. Just the usual." She gave him a fake smile, hoping that he would drop it. Elliot sighed and sat back down at his desk. "So, are we getting a case today or can I go home?" She glanced over at Cragen's door.

"I guess you can go home and get some sleep. Unless you want to grab a cot in the cribs." He nodded towards the steps.

She shook her head and got up out of her chair, grabbing her coat. "I'm gonna head home. Call me if we get anything." She turned on her heel and headed out into the hall.

**Hope you liked the prologue. Just wanted to get this started and test the waters. I promise I will never write a chapter this short. Hopefully this will just get some of you interested. I have an entire plan out for this story, I just need to turn it into full on chapters. Let me know what you think and I will see you in the next chapter.**


	2. Chapter 1

The water had run cold half an hour ago but Olivia continued to sit on the shower floor, her hair clinging to her neck, soaking wet. Her tears had dried up long ago but the blood continued to trickle down, swirling with the water at the drain, its pinkish hue reminding her of the mints she would get at the deli after a meal. Her phone had rung several times while she sat there. She knew it was Elliot calling to see if she was okay. With much effort, the brunette stood and turned off the water. She stepped out of the shower, placing a white towel over her arms. She sighed as her cell phone rang once more. It was Elliot again and she knew that if she didn't answer eventually he would just show up at her door ready to kick it down to make sure she was okay.

Olivia took a deep breath and opened her phone. "Benson."

"Liv." Elliot let out a breath he had been holding. "Are you okay? I've been calling you for an hour."

"Yea El, I'm fine. Just took a long shower." She glanced at the clock and realized that she had actually gotten into the shower almost two hours ago.

"Okay. Would you like to grab a bite to eat?" Elliot hoped that he could get his partner out of her apartment.

"No thanks El. I'm just gonna order in." Olivia ran her hands through her hair and realized that she really didn't want to be alone. "Do you want to come here instead?"

Elliot's face lit up. "Yea, I'll be there in twenty."

They hung up and Olivia walked into the bathroom. She removed the towel and looked down, sighing. She reached into the cabinet and pulled out some gauze and tape.

Twenty minutes later there was a knock at her door. She had just finished pulling her sweatshirt on and took a somewhat shaky breath as she made her way to the door. She forced a smile when she saw her partner with a six pack and a few movies under his arms. "Hey." Olivia moved aside in order to let her friend in.

"I hope you don't mind that I took the liberty of picking out some really crappy movies." He had not let it slip past him that she had been clinging to the ends of her sleeves with almost white knuckles. "So what are we getting for dinner?"

"I ordered the usual Chinese. " Olivia sat down on her couch and grabbed one of the beers, opening it up and taking a long swig. Elliot watched his partner and best friend as he tried to decipher what she was feeling. "Stop staring at me El. It's creeping me out."

"Sorry Liv." Elliot looked at the beers and grabbed one for himself. "So how come you took so long to pick up the phone? Usually you answer it no matter what you are doing."

Olivia looked downcast and put her bottle on the table. "I'm just having a hard time adjusting. Nothing I can't handle." She tugged at her sleeves and Elliot noticed the slight wince she gave as she pulled.

"You okay? Did you get hurt or something?"

The brunette closed her eyes for a moment before looking up at Elliot with the most convincing smile she could muster. "Nope, all good." It was all for naught though when her partner gave her a look of disbelief. "Look, El, it's just really hard not having him here. That's all. I promise."

Elliot sighed and went to put his hand on her arm but she quickly pulled away. He was about to chastise her for lying but the knock at the door and the smell of fresh Chinese food forced him to drop it.


	3. Chapter 2

_"__Mawidge...mawidge is what bwings us togewer today..." _Elliot let out a small laugh as the priest on the screen spoke is line. He took a bite of his food as he side glanced over at Olivia. She had been eating slowly, her eyes were looking in the direction of the tv but he could tell that she was clearly not focused. He sighed and continued to eat his food.

"_And I won't be seeing you again since I'm killing myself once we reach the Honeymoon Suite." _Olivia pulled in a hard breath and looked down at her food, her appetite suddenly gone.

Elliot looked over at his friend and put a hand on her knee gently. She tensed a bit but did not pull away. "Liv?"

Olivia looked up at him with tear filled eyes and held back her sobs.

"What's wrong Liv?" He squeezed her knee gently, trying to let her know that he was there for her. Concern laced his face as he tried to understand what was going on.

"I-I don't want to die, El." The brunette suddenly burst into tears and body racking sobs as she doubled over, her head on her knees. Elliot quickly pulled her to his body, her hands grasping at his shirt. He kissed her head and held her, trying to comfort his distraught friend.

"Shhh, it's okay Liv. It's okay." He pulled her tighter as she shook her head.

"No, it's not." After that Olivia cried in Elliot's arms for close to half an hour. He continued to hold her close until she started to calm down. Her sobs eventually turned into small whimpers and he loosened his grip on her, pushing her back a bit in order to get her to look him in the eyes. "Please don't…"

"Liv, talk to me. What's going on?" He held her arms with his strong hands as she kept her head down low. "Please talk to me."

Olivia took a deep breath and began to wipe her face. "I'm sorry." She shook her head as she stood up, her sleeves revealing her wrists after getting bunched up during their embrace.

Elliot's eyes widened as he spotted the gauze and medical tape on her wrists. He stood up after her and gently but sternly grabbed her arm. "Liv what did you do?"

She looked down and saw the bandages. "Please don't El, Just leave it." Her tears returned and her voice grew weak as her best friend eyed her carefully. "El no!" Elliot pushed up her sleeve even more and pulled off the dressing. "Stop!" He let her pull away after seeing the fresh cuts and the healed scars.

"Liv…" Elliot's face was laced with concern, worry, and pain. "Why?" He reached his hand out to her shoulder and she sat back down, trying to avoid the contact.

"It all just hurts so much. I can't take it anymore." Her body shook with such force that Elliot was worried that she would lunge at the knife on the table. He sat down on the couch and pushed it to the other side. "I'm not crazy El, I swear."

"Shh, shh, it's okay. I know you're not. You just need some help. That's all." He placed his hand on her back and rubbed in small circles.

Olivia wrapped her arms around her body and rocked back and forth. "I think I need to go to the hospital."

Elliot nodded and kissed her temple. "I'll pack a few clothes and we can go, okay?" Olivia nodded as he stood and walked into her bedroom. As he grabbed a small duffel and packed a few things for her, Elliot let his own silent tears fall. His best friend had been in more pain than he could have imagined and now all he could do was drive her to the psych ward at Bellevue.

He walked back out into the living room to find Olivia staring blankly at the tv screen, the credits from the movie rolling. He put the bag near the door before heading back to the couch. "You ready?" She nodded and stood up, grabbing her coat and opened the door. He followed her out and locked the door behind him. "Do you want me to call Cragen?" Olivia nodded once more and pulled her leather jacket closed. "What about George? Maybe you would feel better talking to him than to a stranger." She shrugged as he ushered her into the car. She sat back in the seat and closed her eyes, trying to will the darkness away. Elliot sighed deeply as he walked around the car and got in. "You sure this is what you want to do?" Olivia looked up at her best friend and nodded again, but this time slightly more confident. "Okay."

Twenty minutes later, Elliot was parked outside of the Bellevue main entrance with a more than scared looking brunette riding shotgun. "This really what you want?" All he got back in response was a nod and a sad smile. Elliot got out of the car and grabbed Olivia's bag from the back seat.

Olivia walked into the hospital and quickly took to the task of checking herself into the psych ward. Elliot stayed with her as long as he could. He had made her promise that she would call him when she was ready to go home.

That had all been two weeks ago. Elliot had told the Captain what happened and asked to not be assigned a new partner. He knew that his Olivia would come back. Fin and Munch had watched as their friend stared down his phone the past few weeks and silently wished along with him that the next call would be their girl.

Olivia had been having a hard time dealing with the procedures and schedules they had laid out for her. Her therapy sessions had been daily for the first week and were now every other day. While most people considered that progress, she thought of it as a catalyst for her to hurt herself again. Since arriving, she had only managed to cut herself one more time before she was able to regain some control. Almost daily now though, she would sit in her room shaking and crying. Doctors, nurses, and even some patients who she had become acquainted with would come in and try to help her though the urges that were causing her such pain and threatening to ruin all her hard work.

Therapy had helped with her coping with losing Calvin but the hole in her heart where he had resided was still empty and dark. As her recovery continued, she started to smile again. Her heart was warming a bit and she was beginning to miss all her friends.

Another week passed before Olivia felt closer to her old self than she had in nearly two months. The hole was still there but not there was some slight healing. Olivia looked around her room. The white walls that she despised at first has become like home. But as she picked up her bag to leave, she realized that her real home had something that this room would never have. Elliot.


	4. Chapter 3

The phone on Elliot's desk had rung three times before he sighed. At first he had been picking up after every ring, hoping to hear her voice. But after three weeks, he resigned to the fact that she was going to be lost for a while. He took a breath and answered. "Stabler." He waited a moment. "Hello?" Elliot pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. "Last chance or -."

"El." The voice on the other end cut him off.

He stopped and stared at the phone before tentatively putting it back to his ear. "Liv?" The squad's ears perked up like a bunch of dogs responding to a whistle.

"Hey. I'm ready to come home." She sounded better to him than the night he had dropped her off. She sounded…happy?

"You sure? You can take all the time you need." As much as he wanted her to get as well as possible, he wanted her safe and back in his arms even more.

"Yea, El. I'm sure. It's going to take some more time but the doctors have gotten me through the worst of it." He could hear the relief and smile in her voice.

"Okay. I'll be there in thirty. See you soon." Elliot hung up and grabbed his jacket, smiling over at Fin and Munch before heading out.

Olivia sat on the bench outside the hospital. Her fingers played with the draw string of her hoodie. The past three weeks had been an emotional and physical roller coaster for her. She had told her life story countless times and each made her want to crawl back into a ball. She had spent so many hours just talking to people and she just wanted to stop. Except, there was still one person who deserved to know the truth. Elliot. She also knew that she would need him to be there for her when things went bad. She worried about going back to work. Olivia sighed as she thought about how the squad would treat her after this. Olivia looked at her watch, eagerly waiting for the familiar brown sedan to pull up in front of her. She had missed her best friend and was anxious to see him again.

A few minutes later, Elliot pulled up in front of the hospital and saw the silhouette of his partner. A smile tugged at his lips as he got out of the car to get her. Elliot walked up to where the brunette was sitting and smiled down at her. "Hey there stranger."

Olivia looked up at him returning the warm smile. "Hey yourself." She stood and went to grab her bag but was stopped when Elliot picked it up himself. "Thanks."

He nodded and placed his hand on her back protectively, leading her to the car. "Home or precinct?"

Olivia got into the car and waited for Elliot to get in as well. "I really miss everyone but right now I just want to go home. Think they will be mad?" she asked him, afraid that the answer would be yes.

Elliot looked at his partner confused. Since when did Olivia Benson think that her friends would do anything but support her decisions? Since when did she look so scared at something that really meant nothing? He shook his head smiling. "No Liv, they won't be mad." He placed his hand over hers, which her resting on her lap. "You okay?"

Olivia nodded and laid her head against the window, closing her eyes. Elliot had not noticed, until now, the subtle changes in his friend's physical appearance. Her skin was paler than her normal olive tone, she had lost some weight, and the shine in her eyes was now replaced by a dull black color. _What happened to the Olivia I love?_ Elliot thought to himself as he pulled out of the hospital parking lot. He checked on her every now and then from the corner of his eye. She had fallen asleep all too quickly and he worried that her recovery was far from over, and that his beloved Olivia would be lost forever.

Elliot pulled up in front of Olivia's apartment building and watched her sleep for a few minutes before placing his hand on her shoulder, shaking her gently. "Wake up sleepy head." He smiled when her eyes opened slowly. She looked around a little confused then smiled when she recognized her best friend sitting beside her. "We're here."

She looked up at the building and nodded, failing to stifle a yawn. "Thanks for driving me El. I can take it from here."

Elliot shook his head and opened his door before his friend could argue. "I am going to take you upstairs and make sure that you have what you need."

Olivia sighed and gave in, being too tired to argue. They walked up the few flights of stairs to get to her door. Once inside the apartment, Elliot dropped the bag next to the couch and watched his friend take a seat on the couch, sinking in with drooping eyes. "Liv, maybe you should go to bed. You're obviously exhausted." But he had gone unheard, the light snoring of the brunette filling his ears. He smiled and shook his head, walking over to the couch. He picked Olivia up in his arms and took her into her bedroom, laying her down under the covers. He pulled the blanket up over her and kissed her forehead lightly before closing her bedroom door and heading back into the living room. Elliot walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, forgetting that she had been gone for three weeks. He sighed and wrote a note, leaving it on the kitchen counter before grabbing his wallet and keys and headed out.


	5. Chapter 4

Elliot arrived back at Olivia's apartment a few hours later with groceries and some essentials. Not only did she need food and supplies, but he needed some things as well, seeing as he had already planned on staying with her until he knew that she was okay. He threw his keys onto the counter and winced when the clang was a bit too loud. He waited a minute to see if he had woken up Olivia. When he was satisfied that she was still out cold, he began putting the groceries away. Once done, he noticed that it was already five so he went about cooking a small meal for the two of them.

Olivia tossed and turned lightly in her bed. Her sleep had been fitful and her nightmares had been triggering. A loud clang floated into her thoughts and she slowly began to rouse. She looked at the clock and groaned when she realized she had only been asleep for two hours. Ever since starting the program at the hospital, Olivia had been getting less and less sleep. Her dreams were always filled with terrors and she would constantly find herself rolling onto the floor from moving around so much in her sleep. She was thankful to be home in her king size bed. The brunette closed her eyes for a few moments before the familiar scent of food wafted past her. A smile tugged at her lips. For the past three weeks all she had eaten was hospital food. She stretched, working out the kinks in her body that she could, before getting out of bed and heading for the bathroom.

Elliot heard a door close from behind the bedroom door and smiled. He continued to cook and decided to put up some coffee, knowing that she probably had had only sludge the past few weeks. He grabbed two plates from the cabinet and dished out sloppy joes for the two of them.

Olivia walked out of her bedroom, squinting her eyes at the light. Elliot got up to greet her and was met with a slight wince. "Liv it's just me."

The brunette gave her eyes a few seconds to adjust before smiling up at her partner. "Sorry. I was kind if blinded by the light."

"Were you also wrapped like a goose, another runner in the night?" Elliot smirked, which turned into a smile when he noticed that Olivia was holding back a laugh. She shook her head and walked over to the kitchen table. "I hope you're in the mood for something that will put some meat back on your bones." He sat across from her and looked at her in surprise. He had seen that face only once. The face that says 'I'm starving so shut up or I'll kill you'. Elliot handed his partner her fork and she immediately started digging in. He smiled to himself, glad that at least she was willing to eat. The coffee pot went off and he quickly ran to get it, pouring it into a large mug for her. He placed it in front of her and to his surprise, she barely noticed it. "Shovel madam?" Elliot teased, finding her plate half empty while his still remained untouched.

Olivia gave him a glare and took a second to look at her plate. She blushed deeply and began to slow down. She finally noticed the large mug of steaming coffee and put down her fork. "Thanks El. You really didn't have to do this." The brunette smiled at her friend and took a long sip of the dark liquid. Her eyes closed and she let out a small moan as it passed down her throat. "Oh man, I forgot how amazing the real thing is."

Elliot laughed a bit and began to eat. He watched her carefully, noticing that once she slowed down, she had almost stopped eating as well. "You okay over there?"

Olivia looked up from her food, her fork still moving the meat around in circles. "Yea, guess I ate too fast." She put down her fork as she suddenly felt like lying down.

Elliot noticed the change in her immediately. "Liv?" Olivia bolted from the table and into the bathroom. Elliot ran after her and found her with her head in the toilet heaving and throwing up. He sighed and held back her hair, running a comforting hand along her back. "You ate too fast, Liv." She nodded back at him before once again shoving her head in the porcelain bowl. "Maybe I should have made you a grilled cheese or something."

She shook her head and groaned. "No, I should have known better. I've barely had anything to eat in the last three weeks." Olivia stood up, with Elliot's help, on shaky feet. She cleaned herself up before heading back to bed. "I'm sorry El. The food was amazing though." She smiled a bit and grabbed his hand as he went to leave. "Stay with me?"

Elliot looked down at his best friend and smiled. He nodded and got into bed behind her, placing his strong arm over her waist, laying a hand on her abdomen. He kissed her temple before hearing her breathing begin to slow and even out. Elliot sighed and inhaled the wonderful scent that was his Olivia. "I love you," he whispered on deft ears.

Elliot woke up only a few hours later to the sound of his phone ringing. He quickly extracted himself from the bed and answered his phone out in the living room. "Stabler."

"Hey man, how's she doin'?"

"Hey Fin. Right now she's sleeping. Ate too fast and got sick before. But other than that, she seems okay. I'm still worried about her though." He leaned against the wall and ran his hand over his face.

"Well, Cap says that he wants you to take the week off to keep an eye on her. And she's not allowed back here before then."

"Alright. I'll let her know when she wakes up. Thanks."

"No problem. Take care of my baby girl, okay?"

Elliot agreed before hanging up the phone with Fin. He looked at the clock and realized that it was only nine. He sighed, hoping that she would be able to sleep through the night. He yawned before heading into the kitchen and poured a glass of water for both himself and his sleeping partner.


End file.
